Substances are Cunning, Baffling, and Powerful
Sobriety makes us honest, insightful, and even more powerful
I started listening to Matthew Perry’s memoir audiobook Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing today. He has a story that relates to so many people - feelings of unworthiness, inadequacy, and loneliness that started as a kid, grew as his family became more fractured, and exploded when he found substances. At first, alcohol and other drugs helped him feel normal, safe, and numbed the frantic thoughts in his head - what a relief! But as we all know, the positive power of alcohol and drugs are short-lived and he quickly found himself wanting a way out of the chokehold it had on him.
Substance Use Disorder is a significant disease that impacts 46.3 million Americans aged 12 and older each year (SAMHSA, 2021). That’s almost 17% of Americans which means, if you round up, that’s basically 1 in 5 Americans.
For perspective, imagine you and your four closest friends are standing in a circle. Statistically, one of them will be dealing with a substance use disorder. Which one will it be? Maybe whoever it is hides it very well; substance users can be sly and deceiving, a trick they learn from the substance itself. Maybe you have seen some troubling signs in someone and have dismissed it, not able to fathom someone you love hitting rock bottom. Maybe you already know which one it is. Maybe it’s you.
There is help. There is hope. You are not alone.
If you or someone you know needs help, reach out to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline available 24/7 at 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
As I lounged in my hammock, listening to Matthew Perry speak about his teenage years and the angst that was relieved with alcohol, I could relate. For me, it was cannabis, but it had the same effect that he described. The drug started out as fun but quickly became my go-to fixer of all my problems.
I used it to wake up, to focus, to feel, to numb, to socialize, and to sleep. (odd that I felt it helped me both wake up and fall asleep - a magical drug indeed!) I swore it helped relieve headaches too, and it might have sometimes, but it really only caused problems. Soon, I started smoked before school, at work, and spent all my money on it. I stole money for it and my self-respect plummeted. I even sold weed for a while to keep my expensive habit going and found myself in some very dangerous situations. Luckily, I was never caught by the police.
At one point in my life, cannabis was the single most important thing in my life. My relationships didn’t matter. I became a liar and numbed the painful feelings of shame I felt about disappointing the people I loved in my life. I had developed a physical dependence to cannabis. My high tolerance required I use more and more to feel the same effects I was used to and withdrawal symptoms meant I was anxious, angry, and agitated if I didn’t smoke. Out of the eleven criteria of a substance use disorder, I checked off almost all of them - for years. Between age 15-23, I had a cannabis use disorder.
Now, I can look back on my drug use and see how I was able to quit but this knowledge is only seen in hindsight. Everyone’s path is different and some people need a variety of treatment modalities to get sober. Do whatever works for you. I simply share what worked for me.
At this point in my life, I’ve been working in public health for over 15 years, specializing in substance education and recovery support, and I’ve learned quite a bit about the efficacy of various treatment models. While it’s hard to measure effectiveness between them since they overlap so much (most in-patient treatment programs use 12-steps in their program, for example, so it’s hard to say which aspect was the part that helped), I have learned that there are four specific factors that overlap between most treatment methods and models that help people heal their attachment to substances: Support System, Substitute, Structure, and Spirituality.
SUPPORT SYSTEM: When I was 23, I entered graduate school and moved six hours away to begin a program in Student Affairs in Higher Education. I surrounded myself with ambitious people who had no interest in smoking weed. They didn’t find it fun which helped to change my mindset about it. Of course, I tried to get all my new friends to smoke, and many did at first - but they didn’t like it, called out the negative side of it, and made it feel uncool. My use continued on my own but slowed down socially as I had other options. My friends became my Support System - they had other ideas of fun and I was able to socialize at night and on weekends without cannabis.
SUBSTITUTE: Prior to graduate school, I spent most of my time thinking about, getting, and using cannabis. In grad school, who had that kind of time? I was working and taking classes that required I actually read the textbooks, thoroughly. The projects were intense but I was passionate about the topics and wanted to spend my time learning. I was interested and invested and didn’t want to waste my time. This is what it means to find a Substitute - something other than the drug that can take up mental and physical energy as well as time.
STRUCTURE: I also had a new routine that took up my time. Most days went like this: up early to eat before work, work until class, dinner, then homework until bed. Weekends required more reading and writing papers or completing projects. We had study groups to help hold each other accountable but socializing for those two years revolved around the goal of graduating. The down time we had was often spent talking about our goals and plans for our future. The Structure - the daily routine - motivated me to cut back on using drugs.
SPIRITUALITY: The final piece of the puzzle, and for me possibly the most important, was Spirituality. I took a class called Spirituality in Higher Education where we spent time exploring our spiritual journey to that point in our lives as well as learning about the world’s religions. The details of the exploration of my soul will be for another newsletter - but what I discovered was that I am worthy as I am. What a mind-blowing revelation! We reflected on our values and there wasn’t space for dissonance around them anymore. I wanted my behaviors to match my values and that meant I needed to stop smoking. Having a sense of Spirituality - which to me means feeling connected to something bigger than yourself, feeling connected to your values, and feeling worthy of love - was the aspect that helped me put down the drug completely.
I had been cutting back more and more and wasn’t missing it. I found the cravings decreasing. I was filling my time, my mind, my relationships, and my soul with other things - things that I enjoyed more than cannabis, things that made me feel better about myself.
Right before I became a Master of Education, I ceremoniously handed off the weed I had left, my bowl, and other smoking devices to a smoker friend I met in school (not in my program) and quit for good. There have been a few times since then that I smoked again, mostly around my old friend group who was still into it once I moved away from my support system from grad school, but I quickly remembered why I didn’t like it. I was paranoid, uncomfortable, and realized I preferred the new me - the me with self-respect and a connection to Spirit. I can confidently say I’ll never smoke weed again.
I stopped drinking alcohol over 6 years ago. I never had a problem with alcohol and could order a drink at the bar and easily not finish it. I never craved it the way I craved cannabis. I didn’t seek it out. I just didn’t like how alcohol made me feel, and as I continued on my spiritual path, I knew alcohol was not for me.
So now I live a completely sober life. Does this mean I’m “in recovery?” I don’t know. Part of me doesn’t want to use that language because I was able to stop using cannabis on my own without formal treatment, and that doesn’t fit into the stereotype of someone with a substance use disorder. Society has been saying for years that cannabis isn’t an addictive drug. While I know from experience it is addictive, and society is starting to realize through research just how addictive it is, there might be some who say I’m not in recovery because it’s “just weed.” Truth is, I don’t care what others think.
Sober or in recovery, honestly, I don’t care what you call it. I live an amazing life now where I feel worthy of love and surround myself with people who love me. That’s all that matters to me.
I’m grateful I quit drinking as it’s something I bonded with my now-husband about when we first met. We both weren’t drinking at a friend’s 35th birthday party and we laughed as people around us did shots. My husband is sober too.
He’s out tonight with his friend who lives in the city. He drove out from the suburbs to meet him so they can head to an AA meeting together. They will sit in a room with others who share the desire to not drink, and share stories that remind them that alcohol is cunning, baffling, and powerful. Like Matthew Perry did in his book, they will share a bit of their war stories and then focus on gratitude for the beautiful lives they live now, motivating each other to stay sober.
Everyone in those rooms are each other’s support system and they have the structure of a meeting in their routine to attend, an event/hobby that acts as a substitute and takes up their time, where they can connect with something larger them themselves - their community, also known as spirituality. Those are the four elements that are proven to help someone as they seek sobriety or recovery.
I could not be more grateful to have a husband who is in a 12-step program. I jokingly tell my single girlfriends to find a man in AA. They are all actively working on themselves, trying to improve their lives. They talk openly about their feelings, and are not ashamed of being honest, emotional, and promptly admit their mistakes. They take action to help others and are generous and the least judgmental group of people I’ve ever met.
While substances are cunning, baffling, and powerful - sobriety has made us all honest, insightful, and even more powerful!
I am encouraged by the ways I’m seeing more and more people talk openly about substances nowadays - showcasing the negative side of alcohol use and trying to combat the normalization of it we’ve dealt with for generations. Substackers like Dana Leigh Lyons who writes Sober Soulful and created a SoberStack, a directory of newsletters devoted to recovery and sobriety is a great example this movement. I encourage you to check it out to find other supportive people.
Non-alcoholic beers and spirits are growing in popularity as the sober-curious movement evolves. In 2022, NA beer sales grew by almost 20% and NA spirits grew by over 88%! (Nielson Consumer Report, 2024). There’s a movement of people making it cool to be sober so now is the time to try if you’re curious!
Journal Prompts:
In what ways do your friends and support systems help you to be the best version of yourself? How do they help you strive to reach your goals? If they don’t, consider ways you can seek out others to widen your net of supportive people.
What is your structure and routine each day? How does your structure help or hinder your physical and emotional health? What do you spend the most time doing? Are there any small changes you can make with your time or routine that you think would improve your life?
Use any creative method to tell the tale of your spiritual journey to this point. Paint, draw, sculpt, or write. Create a dance, a song, or a beautiful image that expresses what it was like, what happened, and what it’s like now.
BONUS: Complete the sentence stem: Alcohol is… in any way that feels right to you and continue writing down that path until it feels complete. When you feel ready to start again, write Alcohol is… and answer it another way. Do this at least five times to discover the many angles of it. If you want, do this again for cannabis, opioids, or any other drug you want. You can also do this with Substances to be all-encompassing.
If you’re local, I’m hosting a Sober Social Water Tasting in Phoenixville, PA on June 14. This event is open to all regardless of drinking statius - sober, sober-curious, and drinkers welcome!
Thanks so much for the mention, Katie. I loved getting a glimpse into your sobriety story. Similar to you, I didn’t follow a single program - though I participated in a few of them, including Holly Whitaker’s former Sobriety School and Annie Grace’s programs. Those were a beautiful part of my support system, and the other components you mentioned were (and remain) pivotal as well - both in my choice to quit alcohol and in staying alcohol-free.
While I didn’t go the AA route, I do attend meetings online from time to time and really appreciate them - folks show up with such honesty, openness, and willingness to take personal accountability. I love that. And - like you - I’m deeply grateful my partner is sober. I wouldn’t be with him otherwise.
Thank you for sharing your experience. This is such an important perspective on cannabis, and one that I think many, many people can relate too, even though we are told that “weed isn’t addictive.” I have been alcohol free for just over a year now, and I’m so much less anxious and much more connected to my values ❤️