The F Word - Failure

Another day, another battle in my brain

As soon as I hit submit on my very first post here on Substack, I felt a pang of regret.

“Oh no!” cringed my Inner Critic - my roommate who shares space in my brain whom I have named Tiffany. She continued on a rant, “You put too much in that post. It is WAY too long. No one is going to want to read that.” My heart began to beat faster and my muscles tensed, shoulders inching automatically up towards my ears. A feeling of nervous energy took over my body. My confidence dropped as Tiffany kept going. “Ugh, people will see right through your words and recognize this attempt at Substacking for what it is - a failure. And what does that make you? A failure.”

There it was, my biggest fear. Not just failing at something I try but worse, my whole identity becomes The Failure.

Whenever Tiffany uses that offensive F word, I’m reminded that it’s not me talking, it’s my inner bitch. So I mustered up all my strength and responded as I’ve been taught by both my therapist and my yoga teacher. I took a deep breath and shouted in my head, “Shut Up Tiffany!”

Telling my inner voice to shut up makes me smile almost instantly every time. I find it so silly and quite ridiculous that I immediately giggle and breathe a sigh of relief. My shoulders drop lower and my whole body relaxes. Then my own voice, my true voice, has the space to get louder, “It’s okay if the post isn’t viewed or appreciated. If it reaches just one person, then that’s enough. And guess what, I’m the one person who it already helped since I find writing so healing. So it is already a success! Great job.” That’s the real me talking.

The real me, my inner truth, is kind and compassionate. She speaks like a best friend, always supportive and encouraging. That voice only ever seeks connection - connection with others and with the deepest sense of myself - the Self: the inner divine spirit that resides in my soul. She often shows up right after I tell Tiffany to go to Hell.

Isn’t it wild how we are all conditioned to listen to our inner voice without being curious about what it’s saying and why? And why are we never taught how to change the channel if we don’t like what’s playing? (Unless/until we go to therapy and/or start practicing mindfulness)

The natural voice is critical, forcing us to fear the unknown as a way to survive. It often stops us from trying something new, venturing into mysterious environments, or engaging with people who don’t look like us. All of this instinctual reaction is our evolutionary response to keep us alive and safe. But we aren’t always in life-threatening situations like our bodies would have us believe.

When we get curious about our inner voice, and question its intention, we can learn how to intentionally respond instead of automatically react. When we take time to learn how our bodies react and our emotions shift when we hear those voices, we can adapt and learn how to be kinder to ourselves.

It takes practice but we can identify which of our inner voices is speaking and turn the volume down on the mean one that is there for survival and pump up the volume on the kind one that is there for connection.

Today’s Prompts

Utilize the 3 journal prompts and exercises below to practice recognizing your inner voices and find ways to allow your inner best friend to take up more space in your head.

1. What is the most common thing that your inner critic says to you? Is there a theme or main fear that triggers that voice to get louder?

When you hear that word or theme, use it as a reminder to turn the volume down on that voice and redirect your thinking by asking yourself “What would my inner best friend say instead?”

2. How does your body feel when the inner critic is blaring in your brain? Are there physical symptoms or emotional reactions that consistently show up in response to the inner critic?

If there is a physical or emotional response that is common, use it as a reminder to take a big deep breath to counteract the stress response in the body. We only need a few long deep inhales and exhales for the brain to take it as a sign that we are safe and it can turn on the parasympathetic nervous system (rest and digest) and turn off the sympathetic nervous system (fight, flight, freeze).

3. What would your inner best friend say in response to the cruel things said by the inner critic? What is the most kind, supportive, and compassionate response to your most critical thoughts?

Consider writing yourself a letter from your inner best friend to re-read as often as you need to, especially when the inner critic won’t stop. Choose a few of those kind loving words and turn them into a positive affirmation to play on repeat in your head when needed. Post them on your bathroom mirror or use them as your computer password so you see those compassionate words more often and can think of them more easily.

Bonus Tip: Follow Elizabeth Gilbert Letters From Love for more inspiration on writing letters to ourselves.